


Where My Demons Hide

by stellarmeadow



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: And Eddie absolutely was there for him, Angst, Because Buck can't catch a break, Buck Begins Coda, Coda, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, This totally happened., You can't convince me otherwise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:02:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29481885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellarmeadow/pseuds/stellarmeadow
Summary: There is only one place Buck would go after he left Maddie's at the beginning of Buck Begins.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 46
Kudos: 511





	Where My Demons Hide

**Author's Note:**

> My brain would not let me sleep (or even get up to go get ready for bed or anything) after that episode until I wrote this. Huge thanks to smudgegirl for staying awake as well to assure me it didn't suck.
> 
> Title from Imagine Dragons' "Demons" and I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, it's not my usual style, so I just hope it works.

Buck peeled away from the curb, feeling eighteen and dangerous again, pushing every ounce of anger into the pedals, hoping maybe he could just outrun that thing in his chest that was threatening to crawl its way out. 

Except this was L.A. rush hour traffic, which, even in a pandemic, meant he couldn’t get very far without coming to a complete stop. 

Also, he was an adult now, he wasn’t some stupid kid.

That didn’t stop him from driving around aimlessly until it got dark. He finally bothered to look at a street sign and laughed at himself. 

Apparently not so aimless after all.

Less than five minutes later, he was knocking on Eddie’s door, with Eddie frowning as he opened it. “Hey,” he said, looking a little confused. 

“Hey, I, uh…” Buck searched for something to say. “I was wondering if you knew any good fight clubs.”

“Funny,” Eddie said, one corner of his mouth quirking up. “You’re hilarious. Really.” 

Somehow it was that sign of amusement that made the tears threaten at last, tears that, if he let them fall, might unleash everything else. “See, the thing is,” Buck said slowly, “I’m not sure I’m joking.” He looked around inside. “Is Christopher here?” 

Now Eddie looked concerned. “No, he’s staying at Abuela’s tonight, remember?” 

“Right, yeah, I forgot. Sorry.”

Eddie studied him for a moment. “Everything okay?” he asked. “I mean, you knocked. And you never knock. You have a key.” 

“Yeah, I, uh….” Buck took a deep breath. “Can I come in?”

“Of course.” 

Eddie stood back, holding the door open until Buck was inside. Door closed, Eddie led Buck into the living room, taking a seat on the couch, while Buck stood there, not sure what to do next. 

“So, what’s going on?” Eddie asked.

Buck drew in a long breath and let it out slowly. Where the hell did he even start? “Apparently I had a brother,” he said at last. 

Eddie blinked up at him. “You had a brother?” 

“Yeah. His name….” Buck swallowed back against the creature in his chest. He could feel the claws scratching at his throat, but he wasn’t letting it win. “His name was Daniel,” Buck said finally, pacing the floor as he talked. “He died when I was around one. And…no one told me.”

“This whole time no one said anything?” 

“Yeah, because apparently no one wanted me to know I’d failed before I could even walk.” 

Something of the creature must have shown through in his voice, because Eddie sounded very careful when he said, “What do you mean ‘failed’?”

Even Buck could hear its claws when he laughed. “See, Daniel had leukemia. And they couldn’t find a bone marrow match. So they made me.” The laughter hurt this time, claws trying his throat once more. “I mean, if you want the best parts, you go back to the original factory, right?” 

“Buck—” 

“No, see, it makes sense now,” Buck said, the creature working its way into his mouth. “All my life I’ve felt like I was nothing but a massive disappointment to them, and now I know why. It all makes sense.” 

He laughed again, an ugly twisted sound that definitely wasn’t his. “I mean, I was born for one thing, I had just one job, and I couldn’t even do that. So why would _anything_ I do _ever_ be good enough? _Why?!_ ”

Buck turned around, but this time Eddie was there to stop the pacing. “Hey,” Eddie said, voice soft, hands circling Buck’s wrists. “I know this is a lot, okay? But let’s sit down and talk about it.” 

He sounded almost scared. But then, of course, the creature was showing, and it was scary, so why wouldn’t he be? “Sorry, I should probably just go,” Buck said, breaking free of Eddie’s hold and pushing past him, stalking his way to the door before the damn thing could totally get out of control.

“Hey, wait!” Eddie was faster, blocking Buck before he got all the way to the hall. “Buck. Wait.” That soft voice was back. “Seriously, stay and talk to me, okay?”

“Why?” Buck itched to push past him, the creature craved to get into the car and gun the engine and just go. “Talking isn’t going to fix the fact that I was born a failure.” 

Eddie closed his eyes, and Buck waited for the disapproval he’d see when they opened.

It never came. Eddie’s eyes opened, a little wet, but no disappointment, only concern. “You’re not a failure,” Eddie said, one hand landing, soft and warm on Buck’s cheek. “You never were, okay? Just stay and let me convince you?”

The creature hesitated, distracted, and Buck nodded, letting Eddie lead the way back to the sofa and coax Buck into sitting down. 

“You think you’re a failure because you couldn’t save your brother when you were a baby?”

It didn’t matter if that was what he thought—his own parents thought it. Wasn’t that enough? “Pretty sure that’s the definition of failure.”

Eddie shook his head. “No. You didn’t fail anyone, you hear me?”

“I was born to save my brother, and I didn’t,” Buck said, as the creature stirred again. “Weren’t you listening?”

“So, do you think Christopher was a failure then?” 

That brought him up short. “I’m not following.” 

“I’m pretty sure Shannon had him to try to keep us together,” Eddie said. “And that didn’t work. So is he a failure?”

“Of course not. Christopher is amazing.” 

“Exactly.” 

Something about the soft tone in Eddie’s voice, the way his face got when he was talking about Chris, had Buck leaning in just a little.

But no, the creature wouldn’t let him be derailed for long. “I still don’t see what that has to do with me.” 

“Neither you nor Christopher bear responsibility for your parents’ intentions—however good or bad,” Eddie said quietly. “Life happens. And so does death. And we don’t control it, and we don’t get to choose. You aren’t to blame for your brother’s death any more than Christopher is to blame for Shannon and me imploding. Or any more than I am to blame for her death.”

Buck swallowed hard, forcing the creature back down. “Shannon’s death wasn’t your fault.”

“And your brother’s wasn’t yours.”

The tears wouldn’t stop this time, falling silently down Buck’s cheeks as asked, “Then why don’t they love me?” 

“They do.”

“You don’t even know them,” Buck said, tears still falling. “You wouldn’t say that if you had spent five minutes at that dinner.”

Eddie shook his head. “They love you.”

The tears were no longer silent, but Buck managed to get out, “How can you know that?”

Eddie pulled him into a hug, strong hand gripping the back of Buck’s head as he said, “Because no one who knows you can help but love you.” 

The words were too heartfelt for Buck to deny as he cried on Eddie’s shoulder, the creature wrestled back to its place in his gut. 

For now.

\--  
END

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos feed the muse (and she has a whole other longer angst h/c she's working on right now)


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